Douchebaggery Summary

// Jimmy // April 8th, 2012 // No Comments » // Jimmy's Blog

Pretty well summed up methinks. Perhaps the only addition is shaving your arms. First one to achieve all badges gets a kick in the face.

Pratt or Cat?

// Jimmy // April 3rd, 2012 // No Comments » // Jimmy's Blog

Saw this biddy on the news the other day. Not sure if Jeanna Pratt or Melon Cat.

 

Festival Video Douche

// Jimmy // March 20th, 2012 // No Comments » // Angry Rants, Jimmy's Blog

You heard a new song on the radio the other day. You’re on the piss and decide now is a good time to show your mates. Obviously YouTube is the first point of call so you punch in the band and hit go. Wow, what an awesome list of choices!

Band_Name live at some shitty gig
CHeck ouT my kewl live vid of Band_Name
Another shitty phone quality video
a twenty something second clip of blurry figures jumping around on something black

You dumb little fucks trying to film everything at concerts are dumb little fucks. You spent almost two hundred bucks to come and see some bands, battled your way to the front of a heaving crowd of sweaty douches and when your band finally comes on stage you spend the first 6 songs watching them through a 2″ screen, recording a video you will never watch again.

Maybe you’ll show it to your mates and be all like “check it out man I saw Aqua live and took this rad vid”. It will be nothing but static due to the giant ass sound system practically imploding your gay little iPhone mic. Your friends will feign interest and mock you behind your back for being one of those festival video douches. Then you will upload it to YouTube and somehow stay on the first page for Band_Name despite four-and-a-half thousand thumbs down.

I have a really good idea.

Watch the band. Like, for real. You may even have some fun while you’re at it, instead of chucking a sad when the people around you (who are probably having fun) bump you around and ruin your already shitty video. I watched some dumbass take a 3 minutes clip of System of a Down’s backdrop in the hope he’d catch the very second they came on stage as if someone somewhere would think he was cool for it. The rest of us made fun of him, which made us feel better about ourselves.

A quick rant about handshake etiquette

// JRad // September 1st, 2011 // No Comments » // Angry Rants, Jrad's Blog

Have you ever met someone for the first time and shook their hand, as is the polite thing to do in our wonderful society, only to have your own hand (or metacarpus and phalanges to the science geeks out there) squeezed into a mess of what I can only imagine is sharded bone and bruised tissue?

I have.

After much thought, I’ve compiled a list of the type of people who grip people’s hands much too hard when customarily greeting them. These people are:

Farmers
Tradies
Douchebags

Farmers and tradies I may be able to understand – they work with their hands and usually need to have a good strong grip on their tools (yes this does also beg the question of the relative grip strength of “women of the night”). That said, they need to realise that when they meet someone, they are to treat the person not as a hammer, axe or sickle (or whatever it is farmers cut their wheat fields with these days), but as a living being made out skin, flesh and bone which can actually break.

Now the third type of person who feels the need to grip your hand like they’re dangling from a boat over crocodile infested water, is the common douchebag. So my theory is this. Any guy (who is not a farmer or tradie, though either of these two may also fall into the third category) who always feels the need to squeeze your hand so hard it hurts, is either:

a) complety socially retarded; or
b) a pathetic loser who is trying to make up for a deep-seated, subconscious lack of confidence and feeling of worthlessness as a human being.

Harsh? Not at all. These are the guys who need to out-alpha other guys just for the sake of validating their own existence. They have to act tough and may in fact believe they are “tough”. Unfortunately to others (who have any insight into human behaviour or psychology) they are fooling only themselves. We see you, douchebag, for who you are. You may assert your “dominance”, but listen here – people who have nothing to prove act exactly that way (ie normally).

So in conclusion, my dear faithful reader of this here blog, if you know or even come across someone who has no idea about the socially (and humanely) acceptable level of handshake grip, please inform them of their ways. And if they happen to respond with a polite “thank you stranger for pointing out my obvious-to-everyone-else-but-myself-bad-social-etiquette, please explain to me the correct pressure that I should clasp your friendly extended hand with”, respond to this person “why just a little bit firmer than that with which you would hold your own John Thomas”. Thank you.

Organic Idiot

// Jimmy // July 26th, 2011 // 5 Comments » // Angry Rants, Blogs, Jimmy's Blog

It’s always a good laugh as I look at my housemates food shelves, when I realise I can’t even pronounce half the shit in there, let alone tell you how to prepare it for a sauteed-likity-split-bonza-vallina-blanc, or other ridiculously long named dish. But lately, there has been an invasion of a particular style of food, plastered with the word ‘organic’. Even the milk was labelled with the word. This morning I asked my housemate what organic was all about, genuinely curious but already thinking that this was one of those funny hipster things. The response was along the lines of chemical usage on the non-organic versions of evertything. Apparently, these chemicals get into waterways and build up in our system and whatever else. At this point I was skeptical but OK with it. But then I did some research.

Here are some of the common beliefs around organic food. Time to play mythbusters. (By the way, if said housemate is reading this, I still think you’re alright)

Organic food has less chemicals on it.
True! Organic food has been found to contain one third of the pesticide residue. But, the amount of pesticide found on non-organic (henceforth referred to as non-hipster) fruit and veg is deemed to be very safe by none other than pretty much every health organisation in the world, at least the ones I found. Three times a bullshit small amount equals a bullshit small amount.

Organic farming produces less waste.
True, generally. This mainly comes down to the containers of the various pesticides and chemicals used in conventional farming. They are made of plastic. They need to be disposed. Ok, you win here hipsters.

Organic farming results in polluted waterways and soil.
True! But it isn’t as bad as ‘polluted waterways’ sounds. There are no rivers which now run brown, defunct of all life because of these chemicals. There may be a little seepage here and there, mostly from irresponsible farming. As for the soil, yes chemicals can build up in there, but the soil is still bloody fertile. Organic farmers are often quoted saying “the soil is more alive at an organic farm”. Yep, there are some worms and insects in there which is all well and good, but it turns out that there is also a sheetload of bad bacteria in there. While there are regulations on it’s use, manure plays a big part in growing organic food. Animals get diseases, which can easily be carried into, you guessed it… their shit.

Organic farming is less intense on the environment.
Debatable. Yes, the chemical part is an obvious win to the hipsters. But no so much the rest. Land acreage to environmental impact, organic wins. But when you look at yield, the benefits of organic fade out to almost nothing. Organic farms are more able to sustain ecosystems within their boundaries. Their boundaries have to be much larger, most likely wiping out ecosystems in the process of clearing land. Oh, and depending on where you live, organic food may have to travel a long way, incurring a hell of a lot of “food miles”. Hipsters, that means that they burn more of that horrible petrol stuff that is bad for the environment.

Organic food is better for you.
Another common belief is that organic food is better for you. This is half because of the pesticide thing we’ve already busted, and half because there are supposed to be more vitamins and minerals. The latter is in fact true! But like everything else already discussed, the amounts are fucking minimal. The biggest increase is actually seen in Vitamin C, which is slowly destroyed by sunlight anyway, so unless you are keeping your special fruits and veg in opaque containers thereby looking like an idiot, you are losing your precious vitamin anyway. And here’s one I didn’t expect: There is evidence to suggest that by not putting pesticides on the outside of the crop, that the plants need to defend themselves against attackers all by themselves, and actually produce their own toxins which are stored where? Yeah, inside your expensive fruit.

Organic food tastes better.
200% better? Then why are you paying that much more. It also looks more retarded and goes off faster. Whatever.

So who the hell is fuelling this “20% increase in organic food company turnever every year since 1990”?

  1. Goodie Goodies. These guys honestly believe that they are helping the environment. Maybe buying organic will save some soil or somehow result in the humane treatment of animals. They are vegans, greenies and generally idiots.
  2. Pompous Asses. These guys also go to bars that charge $15 for a basic, own a designer laptop and pretend that caviar tastes nice.
  3. The Sheep. They heard about it on TV. Completely incapable of forming their own opinion.
  4. Health Nuts. They will do anything and eat anything to be what they think is as healthy as possible. The funny thing is that most of these deadshits are doing their body wrong.
  5. The Everything-Is-Going-To-Give-Me-Cancers. Need anything more be said? They are scared about diet drinks and mobile phone usage despite little to no evidence.
  6. The local guy supporter. If you are actually buying at a farmer’s market fair enough. For everything else, you get to pay twice the price and support brands smart enough to delve into the organic market with limitied branding on the product. You may have heard of them. Brands like Coke, Kellogs? Way to support the little guy.
You Got That Right

Beginner’s Guide To YouTube

// Jimmy // July 9th, 2011 // No Comments » // Sweet Vids

My girlfriend is a bit of a noob when it comes to YouTube. She looks at me like I’M the weird one when I say things like “holy shit you don’t even know wo the star wars kid is?”. In aid of other poor internet noobs, I have a compiled a list of must see YouTube videos. You will feel more complete as a person once you have made your way through this list:

Arranged fairly close to chronological order of my first discovery

Badgers Badgers Badgers

The Evolution Of Dance

Break-Dance Kid

Numa Numa Dance

Cat Tackle

Star Wars Kid – Original

Star Wars Kid – Remix

Charlie The Unicorn

Dick In A Box

Where The Hell is Matt?

Sneezing Baby Panda

Flairs – Truckers Delight

OK GO – Here It Goes Again

Ninja Cat

Bizkit The Sleepwalking Dog

BBC Talking Animals

David After Dentist

Charlie Bit Me

Ultimate Dog Tease

The Honey Badger

Baby Monkey (Going backwards on a pig)

Another rib-tickling dog video

// JRad // June 30th, 2011 // No Comments » // Sweet Vids

How To Fail At Getting A Tattoo

// JRad // June 27th, 2011 // No Comments » // How To

 

IAAWD’s joke of the day

// JRad // June 24th, 2011 // No Comments » // Random Awesomeness

A woman comes home and finds her husband in bed with a female midget. Furious, she screams, “you promised you wouldn’t cheat again!” The husband replies, “for f*ck sakes, can’t you see I’m trying to cut down!”

 

bam

Two sports which are but a thorn in my flesh

// JRad // June 19th, 2011 // No Comments » // Angry Rants, Jrad's Blog

A friend of mine once posted a question on her facebook update “can someone please explain to me the rivalry between Manchester Utd, Chelsea, Arsenal and Liverpool so I can finally keep up”. My response was as follows “The more important question is who gives a sh*t except for the pasty faced pommy gits who just need another excuse to get drunk and glass each other on the weekend over what is essentially a boring sport dominated by a bunch of theatrical queens clutching at their shins and crying for mummy? :p”.

Similarly a mate from Perth once asked me what is the difference between rugby league and rugby union aside from league players being rapists. Well that my friend, I replied, is of course the major difference, but also being that union players are actually well educated, well spoken and have professions in the off season. League players simply get drunk and violate drunk girls in pub toilets and hotel rooms. Oh also union has line-outs, rucks and mauls, and proper scrums.

The point being, soccer (I refuse to call it football, given I am Australian and live in Australia) and rugby league are two sports I highly dislike. I will stress that this opinion applies to the professional levels only – the ones that are televised, the ones that I have to listen about in the news or by co-workers ruining my morning coffee with discussion of the weekend matches. So with that in mind, I present to you the following informative and factual matrix on the major components of professional soccer and rugby league:

Now, my dear friends who are soccer and rugby league fans, please do not take this to heart, I clearly love you despite your choice in sports fan-ship. If you’ve been a follower of this blog, you will know that it is a place to rant, vent, generalise, satirise and stir the pot. And also post funny videos.