i ate a whole dog

A quick rant about handshake etiquette

// JRad // September 1st, 2011 // No Comments » // Angry Rants, Jrad's Blog

Have you ever met someone for the first time and shook their hand, as is the polite thing to do in our wonderful society, only to have your own hand (or metacarpus and phalanges to the science geeks out there) squeezed into a mess of what I can only imagine is sharded bone and bruised tissue?

I have.

After much thought, I’ve compiled a list of the type of people who grip people’s hands much too hard when customarily greeting them. These people are:

Farmers
Tradies
Douchebags

Farmers and tradies I may be able to understand – they work with their hands and usually need to have a good strong grip on their tools (yes this does also beg the question of the relative grip strength of “women of the night”). That said, they need to realise that when they meet someone, they are to treat the person not as a hammer, axe or sickle (or whatever it is farmers cut their wheat fields with these days), but as a living being made out skin, flesh and bone which can actually break.

Now the third type of person who feels the need to grip your hand like they’re dangling from a boat over crocodile infested water, is the common douchebag. So my theory is this. Any guy (who is not a farmer or tradie, though either of these two may also fall into the third category) who always feels the need to squeeze your hand so hard it hurts, is either:

a) complety socially retarded; or
b) a pathetic loser who is trying to make up for a deep-seated, subconscious lack of confidence and feeling of worthlessness as a human being.

Harsh? Not at all. These are the guys who need to out-alpha other guys just for the sake of validating their own existence. They have to act tough and may in fact believe they are “tough”. Unfortunately to others (who have any insight into human behaviour or psychology) they are fooling only themselves. We see you, douchebag, for who you are. You may assert your “dominance”, but listen here – people who have nothing to prove act exactly that way (ie normally).

So in conclusion, my dear faithful reader of this here blog, if you know or even come across someone who has no idea about the socially (and humanely) acceptable level of handshake grip, please inform them of their ways. And if they happen to respond with a polite “thank you stranger for pointing out my obvious-to-everyone-else-but-myself-bad-social-etiquette, please explain to me the correct pressure that I should clasp your friendly extended hand with”, respond to this person “why just a little bit firmer than that with which you would hold your own John Thomas”. Thank you.

Another rib-tickling dog video

// JRad // June 30th, 2011 // No Comments » // Sweet Vids

How To Fail At Getting A Tattoo

// JRad // June 27th, 2011 // No Comments » // How To

IAAWD’s joke of the day

// JRad // June 24th, 2011 // No Comments » // Random Awesomeness

A woman comes home and finds her husband in bed with a female midget. Furious, she screams, “you promised you wouldn’t cheat again!” The husband replies, “for f*ck sakes, can’t you see I’m trying to cut down!”

bam

Two sports which are but a thorn in my flesh

// JRad // June 19th, 2011 // No Comments » // Angry Rants, Jrad's Blog

A friend of mine once posted a question on her facebook update “can someone please explain to me the rivalry between Manchester Utd, Chelsea, Arsenal and Liverpool so I can finally keep up”. My response was as follows “The more important question is who gives a sh*t except for the pasty faced pommy gits who just need another excuse to get drunk and glass each other on the weekend over what is essentially a boring sport dominated by a bunch of theatrical queens clutching at their shins and crying for mummy? :p”.

Similarly a mate from Perth once asked me what is the difference between rugby league and rugby union aside from league players being rapists. Well that my friend, I replied, is of course the major difference, but also being that union players are actually well educated, well spoken and have professions in the off season. League players simply get drunk and violate drunk girls in pub toilets and hotel rooms. Oh also union has line-outs, rucks and mauls, and proper scrums.

The point being, soccer (I refuse to call it football, given I am Australian and live in Australia) and rugby league are two sports I highly dislike. I will stress that this opinion applies to the professional levels only – the ones that are televised, the ones that I have to listen about in the news or by co-workers ruining my morning coffee with discussion of the weekend matches. So with that in mind, I present to you the following informative and factual matrix on the major components of professional soccer and rugby league:

Now, my dear friends who are soccer and rugby league fans, please do not take this to heart, I clearly love you despite your choice in sports fan-ship. If you’ve been a follower of this blog, you will know that it is a place to rant, vent, generalise, satirise and stir the pot. And also post funny videos.

MX “Here’s looking at you” LOLs

// JRad // June 5th, 2011 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

If you live in Brisbane, Sydney or Melbourne and work in the city, chances are you’ve read an MX newspaper at some stage. The section “here’s looking at you” is essentially where readers can SMS in a quick comment to/about someone they saw (usually at the train station) and would like to ask out.

Before I re-discovered the joys of reading books, I’d always read an MX on the way home from work and enjoyed the “here’s looking at you” comments. Some are so lame, I had to tear them out and reproduce them in this post.

Here are some of the more amusing comments:

- To the sweet Indian guy with the turban rapping to NWA and eating oats at Panania at midnight on Saturday, you’re hot. Tea? – Stone hurler

- To the girl who was too shy to ask my number, your mate got my number from Central. Wanna make eye contact? – Purple shirt guy

- To the boy at Central who catches the train to Cronulla at 4.20pm, with sandy blond hair and the Sexpo bag, I’ve got my eye on you. – Justice fan

- To the Asian guy in the bow tie and blue shirt on the South line on Friday, I saw you hugging another guy. You deserve a better man. Coffee? – CSB

- To the uni student who had a bleeding nose on the South Line train, you’re a stunner. Next time let me hlep you? – Bleeding love

- To the stunning Snow White brunette at Central, I was the midget with the moustache on platform 25. I saw you checking me out when I passed you on my skateboard, but I was too bashful to say hi. – Bashful

- To the cute Asian deckhand on the ferry, I like the way you handle that rope. Care to tie me up?

What really amazes me is that it’s not uncommon for these comments to be responded in the next day or two by the people seen. So next time you ride the train, beware, someone may just post about you in the next MX.

Political Correctness

// JRad // May 30th, 2011 // No Comments » // Angry Rants, Jrad's Blog

It’s no secret that we here at IAAWD can not stand political correctness.

In the news the other day, I read an article about a new website which offers flight price comparisons (like that of Webjet). Its server crashed on the first day, and while it was down, their website displayed a cartoon of a crashed plane and a comment about their site crashing. Funny, or at least amusing and light-hearted. But, as is the way in today’s world, a few whinging, whining losers with nothing else going on in their pathetic lives decided the picture was insensitive and offended them, and complained. Oh how I wish I had been the PR manager of the flight comparison company and able to respond. Unfortunately, the spokesperson profusely apologised and took the cartoon picture down. Here is the article.

Now what really irks me more than the fact that people complained about this website picture, is the fact that the company validated their overreactive and pathetic complaints by issuing an apology and removing it. That is truly pathetic. Why do companies / government continually let the vocal minority of complaining douches encroach on the rights of the majority of normal people who don’t feel the need to censor every bloody thing out there? Before I lost all faith in humanity, I was happy to at least read in the comments section on the above news article that many other people also wish the PC complainers would simply harden the fuck up.

To end this article, I am going to provide a few definitions of “Political Correctness” taken from various sources:

- A method of controlling and dictating public speech and thought.

- A doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.

- A form of censorship practiced by faggots and leftist subversive fucks so they don’t have to hear any points of view that they don’t agree with.

and lastly, this point:

The struggle to be “politically correct” has made common people easily irritable and oversensitive to the words of others and their own words. It has created a society that walks on eggshells and that has difficulty being personal with each other because coworkers and potential friends can’t joke around for fear of offending the other.

A quick note (rant) about customer service

// JRad // May 29th, 2011 // No Comments » // Angry Rants, Jrad's Blog

Have you ever been standing at a take-away place looking up at the menu and the person behind the counter starts shouting out to you “Can I help you?” or “What can I get you?”. This is a pet hate of mine. Is it not blatantly obvious that if I’m staring intently up at the menu then I am not ready to order? When people start calling out to me before I even get the chance to read the menu and ponder what food to order, I usually will just ignore them. And to pre-emptively stop it, I even stand far back from the counter. Once though, it just got too much as this counter girl simply wouldn’t get the hint from my lack of acknowledgment that I wasn’t ready to order, so I looked down at her and said in a not so polite way, “just wait”. And although I usually don’t like to be outright rude to people, I felt she certainly deserved it and I hope that she perhaps learnt to read customers a little better. Now if only everyone else out there could do the same. Or maybe I could have some more tolerance… mmm no, they can learn.

Cats = happy face

// JRad // May 25th, 2011 // No Comments » // Sweet Vids

Travel Fails

// JRad // May 22nd, 2011 // No Comments » // Angry Rants, Jrad's Blog

After just returning from a trip to Thailand, I feel the need to express my undeniable opinion on people who, in my eyes, fail at travelling. Now I will admit, some of aforementioned opinion is formed through the slightly ‘warped’ and judgmental screen of which I observe the world, but please be assured, the truth of which I speak transcends that of the mere mortal and I implore you to read and learn.

Here are some of the travel fails I bore witness to on the trip:

Being a drunk Aussie: My most hated traveller. The idiots who give other Australians a bad name. They usually get drunk on the flight over, annoying everyone with in a 10 seat radius. They are always loud, drunk and making a scene. They are usually very ocker. When on the odd occassion they are not drunk, they are still just as loud and annoying. Fail (at travelling AND at life).

Travelling with kids (to places that aren’t that family friendly): Families and/or kids walking down Bangla St (by night a club, go-go bar, lady-boy and hooker plagued party street) at Patong Beach. Fail.

Westerners eating western food: Wow. Half the reason I love Thailand so much is purely for its food. Besides my morning fruit-filled pancakes, I did not eat one Western meal in Thailand nor did I ever feel the desire to. The local food is so delicious and cheap, yet I saw so many unoriginal, pale-faced gits ordering things like steak and chips, bowls of pasta, and burgers. And on one occasion I heard one young British chap piping up about how tough his steak was. You’re in Thailand douchefag. Fail.

Going to Aussie bars: This applies I guess mostly to Aussie travellers. Wyabar, my trusty travelling companion and I flatly refused to enter any such establishment whilst in Thailand. There were at least three Aussie bars in Patong which we walked past. They all advertised NRL (I will discuss my hate of the NRL in another rant at another time) and AFL games, among other Aussie things. There were heaps of Aussies that I could see in these bars. Fail.

Being a sex tourist: Pretty self explanatory – old fat European men, young nerds, and other desperate guys who can’t pull in Thailand or their own country, walking around with one to two Thai girls in hand. Fail.

Being ignorant of the culture: Examples include not learning a few basics of the language such as hello and thank you; being rude; being disrespectful; and not trying new things. Fail.

Being a Scooter: You may have read the earlier IAAWD post about how to become a douchebag. Well the ‘Scooter’, as wisely named by Wyabar, is a sub genre of the Common Western Douchebag (CWD). While the Scooter shares many attributes of the CWD, the defining feature of every Scooter is the oversized baseball cap, worn on an angle. Many Scooters will also wear a singlet. Every time we saw a Scooter out at a bar (and believe me, there were many) we would scream out SCOOTER! A Scooter will always act like a dickhead or a homosexual with his Scooter friends. The mere sight of a Scooter is enough to make any self-respecting person shake his or her head in shame. Here is a picture of a couple of Scooters I snapped on my last night out in Patong:

Fail