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A quick rant about handshake etiquette

// JRad // September 1st, 2011 // No Comments » // Angry Rants, Jrad's Blog

Have you ever met someone for the first time and shook their hand, as is the polite thing to do in our wonderful society, only to have your own hand (or metacarpus and phalanges to the science geeks out there) squeezed into a mess of what I can only imagine is sharded bone and bruised tissue?

I have.

After much thought, I’ve compiled a list of the type of people who grip people’s hands much too hard when customarily greeting them. These people are:

Farmers
Tradies
Douchebags

Farmers and tradies I may be able to understand – they work with their hands and usually need to have a good strong grip on their tools (yes this does also beg the question of the relative grip strength of “women of the night”). That said, they need to realise that when they meet someone, they are to treat the person not as a hammer, axe or sickle (or whatever it is farmers cut their wheat fields with these days), but as a living being made out skin, flesh and bone which can actually break.

Now the third type of person who feels the need to grip your hand like they’re dangling from a boat over crocodile infested water, is the common douchebag. So my theory is this. Any guy (who is not a farmer or tradie, though either of these two may also fall into the third category) who always feels the need to squeeze your hand so hard it hurts, is either:

a) complety socially retarded; or
b) a pathetic loser who is trying to make up for a deep-seated, subconscious lack of confidence and feeling of worthlessness as a human being.

Harsh? Not at all. These are the guys who need to out-alpha other guys just for the sake of validating their own existence. They have to act tough and may in fact believe they are “tough”. Unfortunately to others (who have any insight into human behaviour or psychology) they are fooling only themselves. We see you, douchebag, for who you are. You may assert your “dominance”, but listen here – people who have nothing to prove act exactly that way (ie normally).

So in conclusion, my dear faithful reader of this here blog, if you know or even come across someone who has no idea about the socially (and humanely) acceptable level of handshake grip, please inform them of their ways. And if they happen to respond with a polite “thank you stranger for pointing out my obvious-to-everyone-else-but-myself-bad-social-etiquette, please explain to me the correct pressure that I should clasp your friendly extended hand with”, respond to this person “why just a little bit firmer than that with which you would hold your own John Thomas”. Thank you.

Organic Idiot

// Jimmy // July 26th, 2011 // 5 Comments » // Angry Rants, Blogs, Jimmy's Blog

It’s always a good laugh as I look at my housemates food shelves, when I realise I can’t even pronounce half the shit in there, let alone tell you how to prepare it for a sauteed-likity-split-bonza-vallina-blanc, or other ridiculously long named dish. But lately, there has been an invasion of a particular style of food, plastered with the word ‘organic’. Even the milk was labelled with the word. This morning I asked my housemate what organic was all about, genuinely curious but already thinking that this was one of those funny hipster things. The response was along the lines of chemical usage on the non-organic versions of evertything. Apparently, these chemicals get into waterways and build up in our system and whatever else. At this point I was skeptical but OK with it. But then I did some research.

Here are some of the common beliefs around organic food. Time to play mythbusters. (By the way, if said housemate is reading this, I still think you’re alright)

Organic food has less chemicals on it.
True! Organic food has been found to contain one third of the pesticide residue. But, the amount of pesticide found on non-organic (henceforth referred to as non-hipster) fruit and veg is deemed to be very safe by none other than pretty much every health organisation in the world, at least the ones I found. Three times a bullshit small amount equals a bullshit small amount.

Organic farming produces less waste.
True, generally. This mainly comes down to the containers of the various pesticides and chemicals used in conventional farming. They are made of plastic. They need to be disposed. Ok, you win here hipsters.

Organic farming results in polluted waterways and soil.
True! But it isn’t as bad as ‘polluted waterways’ sounds. There are no rivers which now run brown, defunct of all life because of these chemicals. There may be a little seepage here and there, mostly from irresponsible farming. As for the soil, yes chemicals can build up in there, but the soil is still bloody fertile. Organic farmers are often quoted saying “the soil is more alive at an organic farm”. Yep, there are some worms and insects in there which is all well and good, but it turns out that there is also a sheetload of bad bacteria in there. While there are regulations on it’s use, manure plays a big part in growing organic food. Animals get diseases, which can easily be carried into, you guessed it… their shit.

Organic farming is less intense on the environment.
Debatable. Yes, the chemical part is an obvious win to the hipsters. But no so much the rest. Land acreage to environmental impact, organic wins. But when you look at yield, the benefits of organic fade out to almost nothing. Organic farms are more able to sustain ecosystems within their boundaries. Their boundaries have to be much larger, most likely wiping out ecosystems in the process of clearing land. Oh, and depending on where you live, organic food may have to travel a long way, incurring a hell of a lot of “food miles”. Hipsters, that means that they burn more of that horrible petrol stuff that is bad for the environment.

Organic food is better for you.
Another common belief is that organic food is better for you. This is half because of the pesticide thing we’ve already busted, and half because there are supposed to be more vitamins and minerals. The latter is in fact true! But like everything else already discussed, the amounts are fucking minimal. The biggest increase is actually seen in Vitamin C, which is slowly destroyed by sunlight anyway, so unless you are keeping your special fruits and veg in opaque containers thereby looking like an idiot, you are losing your precious vitamin anyway. And here’s one I didn’t expect: There is evidence to suggest that by not putting pesticides on the outside of the crop, that the plants need to defend themselves against attackers all by themselves, and actually produce their own toxins which are stored where? Yeah, inside your expensive fruit.

Organic food tastes better.
200% better? Then why are you paying that much more. It also looks more retarded and goes off faster. Whatever.

So who the hell is fuelling this “20% increase in organic food company turnever every year since 1990″?

  1. Goodie Goodies. These guys honestly believe that they are helping the environment. Maybe buying organic will save some soil or somehow result in the humane treatment of animals. They are vegans, greenies and generally idiots.
  2. Pompous Asses. These guys also go to bars that charge $15 for a basic, own a designer laptop and pretend that caviar tastes nice.
  3. The Sheep. They heard about it on TV. Completely incapable of forming their own opinion.
  4. Health Nuts. They will do anything and eat anything to be what they think is as healthy as possible. The funny thing is that most of these deadshits are doing their body wrong.
  5. The Everything-Is-Going-To-Give-Me-Cancers. Need anything more be said? They are scared about diet drinks and mobile phone usage despite little to no evidence.
  6. The local guy supporter. If you are actually buying at a farmer’s market fair enough. For everything else, you get to pay twice the price and support brands smart enough to delve into the organic market with limitied branding on the product. You may have heard of them. Brands like Coke, Kellogs? Way to support the little guy.
You Got That Right

Two sports which are but a thorn in my flesh

// JRad // June 19th, 2011 // No Comments » // Angry Rants, Jrad's Blog

A friend of mine once posted a question on her facebook update “can someone please explain to me the rivalry between Manchester Utd, Chelsea, Arsenal and Liverpool so I can finally keep up”. My response was as follows “The more important question is who gives a sh*t except for the pasty faced pommy gits who just need another excuse to get drunk and glass each other on the weekend over what is essentially a boring sport dominated by a bunch of theatrical queens clutching at their shins and crying for mummy? :p”.

Similarly a mate from Perth once asked me what is the difference between rugby league and rugby union aside from league players being rapists. Well that my friend, I replied, is of course the major difference, but also being that union players are actually well educated, well spoken and have professions in the off season. League players simply get drunk and violate drunk girls in pub toilets and hotel rooms. Oh also union has line-outs, rucks and mauls, and proper scrums.

The point being, soccer (I refuse to call it football, given I am Australian and live in Australia) and rugby league are two sports I highly dislike. I will stress that this opinion applies to the professional levels only – the ones that are televised, the ones that I have to listen about in the news or by co-workers ruining my morning coffee with discussion of the weekend matches. So with that in mind, I present to you the following informative and factual matrix on the major components of professional soccer and rugby league:

Now, my dear friends who are soccer and rugby league fans, please do not take this to heart, I clearly love you despite your choice in sports fan-ship. If you’ve been a follower of this blog, you will know that it is a place to rant, vent, generalise, satirise and stir the pot. And also post funny videos.

Political Correctness

// JRad // May 30th, 2011 // No Comments » // Angry Rants, Jrad's Blog

It’s no secret that we here at IAAWD can not stand political correctness.

In the news the other day, I read an article about a new website which offers flight price comparisons (like that of Webjet). Its server crashed on the first day, and while it was down, their website displayed a cartoon of a crashed plane and a comment about their site crashing. Funny, or at least amusing and light-hearted. But, as is the way in today’s world, a few whinging, whining losers with nothing else going on in their pathetic lives decided the picture was insensitive and offended them, and complained. Oh how I wish I had been the PR manager of the flight comparison company and able to respond. Unfortunately, the spokesperson profusely apologised and took the cartoon picture down. Here is the article.

Now what really irks me more than the fact that people complained about this website picture, is the fact that the company validated their overreactive and pathetic complaints by issuing an apology and removing it. That is truly pathetic. Why do companies / government continually let the vocal minority of complaining douches encroach on the rights of the majority of normal people who don’t feel the need to censor every bloody thing out there? Before I lost all faith in humanity, I was happy to at least read in the comments section on the above news article that many other people also wish the PC complainers would simply harden the fuck up.

To end this article, I am going to provide a few definitions of “Political Correctness” taken from various sources:

- A method of controlling and dictating public speech and thought.

- A doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.

- A form of censorship practiced by faggots and leftist subversive fucks so they don’t have to hear any points of view that they don’t agree with.

and lastly, this point:

The struggle to be “politically correct” has made common people easily irritable and oversensitive to the words of others and their own words. It has created a society that walks on eggshells and that has difficulty being personal with each other because coworkers and potential friends can’t joke around for fear of offending the other.

A quick note (rant) about customer service

// JRad // May 29th, 2011 // No Comments » // Angry Rants, Jrad's Blog

Have you ever been standing at a take-away place looking up at the menu and the person behind the counter starts shouting out to you “Can I help you?” or “What can I get you?”. This is a pet hate of mine. Is it not blatantly obvious that if I’m staring intently up at the menu then I am not ready to order? When people start calling out to me before I even get the chance to read the menu and ponder what food to order, I usually will just ignore them. And to pre-emptively stop it, I even stand far back from the counter. Once though, it just got too much as this counter girl simply wouldn’t get the hint from my lack of acknowledgment that I wasn’t ready to order, so I looked down at her and said in a not so polite way, “just wait”. And although I usually don’t like to be outright rude to people, I felt she certainly deserved it and I hope that she perhaps learnt to read customers a little better. Now if only everyone else out there could do the same. Or maybe I could have some more tolerance… mmm no, they can learn.

Travel Fails

// JRad // May 22nd, 2011 // No Comments » // Angry Rants, Jrad's Blog

After just returning from a trip to Thailand, I feel the need to express my undeniable opinion on people who, in my eyes, fail at travelling. Now I will admit, some of aforementioned opinion is formed through the slightly ‘warped’ and judgmental screen of which I observe the world, but please be assured, the truth of which I speak transcends that of the mere mortal and I implore you to read and learn.

Here are some of the travel fails I bore witness to on the trip:

Being a drunk Aussie: My most hated traveller. The idiots who give other Australians a bad name. They usually get drunk on the flight over, annoying everyone with in a 10 seat radius. They are always loud, drunk and making a scene. They are usually very ocker. When on the odd occassion they are not drunk, they are still just as loud and annoying. Fail (at travelling AND at life).

Travelling with kids (to places that aren’t that family friendly): Families and/or kids walking down Bangla St (by night a club, go-go bar, lady-boy and hooker plagued party street) at Patong Beach. Fail.

Westerners eating western food: Wow. Half the reason I love Thailand so much is purely for its food. Besides my morning fruit-filled pancakes, I did not eat one Western meal in Thailand nor did I ever feel the desire to. The local food is so delicious and cheap, yet I saw so many unoriginal, pale-faced gits ordering things like steak and chips, bowls of pasta, and burgers. And on one occasion I heard one young British chap piping up about how tough his steak was. You’re in Thailand douchefag. Fail.

Going to Aussie bars: This applies I guess mostly to Aussie travellers. Wyabar, my trusty travelling companion and I flatly refused to enter any such establishment whilst in Thailand. There were at least three Aussie bars in Patong which we walked past. They all advertised NRL (I will discuss my hate of the NRL in another rant at another time) and AFL games, among other Aussie things. There were heaps of Aussies that I could see in these bars. Fail.

Being a sex tourist: Pretty self explanatory – old fat European men, young nerds, and other desperate guys who can’t pull in Thailand or their own country, walking around with one to two Thai girls in hand. Fail.

Being ignorant of the culture: Examples include not learning a few basics of the language such as hello and thank you; being rude; being disrespectful; and not trying new things. Fail.

Being a Scooter: You may have read the earlier IAAWD post about how to become a douchebag. Well the ‘Scooter’, as wisely named by Wyabar, is a sub genre of the Common Western Douchebag (CWD). While the Scooter shares many attributes of the CWD, the defining feature of every Scooter is the oversized baseball cap, worn on an angle. Many Scooters will also wear a singlet. Every time we saw a Scooter out at a bar (and believe me, there were many) we would scream out SCOOTER! A Scooter will always act like a dickhead or a homosexual with his Scooter friends. The mere sight of a Scooter is enough to make any self-respecting person shake his or her head in shame. Here is a picture of a couple of Scooters I snapped on my last night out in Patong:

Fail

Greatest fail text I’ve ever received from a girl

// JRad // April 20th, 2011 // 1 Comment » // Angry Rants, Jrad's Blog

Listen up all you single gen Y girls out there.

Last Thursday I went on a date with a seemingly nice girl. It was a first date, in which I will always opt for something casual, so we headed to a relaxed bar on the harbour after work. We shouted each other alternate rounds of drinks, and I also got us a couple of pizzas. I came away thinking she was a pretty cool chick so I subsequently sent her a text on Saturday, telling her I had a good time and hoped we could do it again sometime. To my astonishment, this was her response:

Hey there, just for the next time u ask a girl out, regardless of the expense it would make her feel really special if you paid. Hope you have a good weekend!

After the initial reaction of almost falling off my chair, a flurry of possible responses ran through my head:

- I’m sorry, I didn’t realise our date was in 1955.
- Just for next time you go out with a guy, it would make him feel really special if you slept with him.
- Oh, you are one of those Sydney north shore girls.
- Probably not a good time to tell you I ‘borrowed’ a $20 from your purse while you were in the bathroom.
- You should run a call girl service.
- So that’s why you’re single.

In the end, I simply couldn’t bring myself to respond to such nonsense. And the nerve to wish me a pleasant weekend after such a preposterous preamble. Well I never!

Here’s the thing, while I’m not against paying for a date, I usually prefer to do so when I actually know and like the girl. I think it’s wrong to invest too much in a girl until she has proven herself as worthwhile (of course this works both ways). And although you will find plenty of poor saps out there that insist on paying for everything in the hope of impressing the girl or getting laid, I usually equate that with some form of prostitution, whether it’s a physical or psychological reward offered by the girl.

So to all you high maintenance, money grubbing, self-indulging ladies out there who need to feel “special” through fiscal upkeep, I propose you kindly go fornicate with yourself or a likeminded friend and I will date some more down to earth girls. Good day to you.

And you may call me stingy and all sorts of other nasty names, but honestly in this day and age, unless the guy is dating a housewife, a student, or a homeless person, why should he pay? Double-dutch is the way to go, or at least a small gesture from the girl is always appreciated. And that my friends, is the word of Jrad.

Ski Hill Fails

// Jimmy // April 17th, 2011 // No Comments » // Angry Rants, Jimmy's Blog

Working at a ski hill, you see a lot of stupid things. Like people standing in the kill zone of my lift while I watch as they get wiped out, have a bit of a giggle and hit the slow or stop, in that order. At least these people get instant notification of the error of their ways, and maybe they won’t do it next time.

The things that annoy me more are the ones that provide no insta-feedback to the subject that they are an idiot…

1. Girls who wear make up

This is much the same as the girls who show up to Kate’s soccer games with a caked up face. You are playing sport, why the fuck are you wearing make up. Who are you going to impress? One, everyone is having too much fun riding/skiing to give a shit about you and two, you are wearing ski goggles… we can’t see you anyway. It’s always good fun to see girls coming through the list who look like this:

2. Gay Blades

The roller blades of the skiing world. On a ski hill, there is nothing that looks gayer than these. Gay bladers never do anything cool, don’t go very fast, and exhibit little to no control. You suck.

3. Tall Hoodies

Most often worn by tall skinny folk who think they are gangster. I wish I had a photo of the douche I saw wearing a tall hoodie with only his ski boots poking out the bottom. Hey fella, you don’t look gangster, you look like you’re wearing a dress.

4. Pointy Helmets

These race designed helmets should be worn only by those racing. Even then, I barely ever see actual racers wearing them, probably because they realise how stupid they look. Unfotunately I couldn’t find a super pointy example picture for you. Googling “pointy ski helmets” doesn’t work very well. I’m fairly sure that’s not what they are called. Just imagine this helmet but even more pointy.

5. Jeans tucked into boots

This is usually sign of a noob, who hasn;t yet worked out they should be wearing waterproof outerwear. Sometimes they can’t use this excuse though. I can’t really be mad at these guys. They must be a little backward or stuck in yesteryear. You can’t get mad at the mentally challenged.

Bourbon, I hear you say

// JRad // April 10th, 2011 // 1 Comment » // Jrad's Blog

Sometime ago a mate and I concocted one of the greatest words ever.

Chourbon

Why, what is this ridiculous word, you ask. Chourbon, my friend, is simply Cheap Bourbon. Think Old Crow, Woodstock, Twin Chief, and Crazy Horse bourbon. Or any other brand that you pick up for a bargain price. Back in the day if you paid $5 or under for a bourbon and coke, it was automatically classed as chourbon. Out at the bar these days, we’d probably have to up that to $6.

Since that wonderful night, many more bourbon portmanteaus have been devised and drunk by me and my bourbon swilling friends (all rhyme with bourbon):

Tourbon – Tasty bourbon (or expensive bourbon by virtue of expense correlating to taste)
Rourbon – Red bourbon (bourbon & coke & red cordial)
Dufroubon – Duty free bourbon
Citric Chourbon – Chourbon with muddled orange
Dr Chourbon – Dirty red cheap bourbon (ie chourbon with red cordial)

One mate, particularly enamoured with rourbon, still attempts to order these for me when we’re out at bars, asking the bartender for a rourbon, only to have a blank stare returned back at him. If only more people knew. So let’s all spread the word.

And please feel free to add to the list.

How to become a douchebag in five easy steps

// JRad // April 2nd, 2011 // 1 Comment » // How To, Jrad's Blog

Okay so there is a heap of information out there instructing guys how to become ‘cool’. But what if a cool guy wants to become a total douche? Where’s the how to on that hey? I’ll tell you where it is… It’s right here:

1. Hair – Make a line from the top of your ear, over your head, to your other ear. The hair in front of this line needs to be cut short. The hair behind the line needs to be kept a bit longer and gelled up to make it spiky, and also slightly mullety at the back. You may also add the rat’s tail option.

2. Physique – Work out in the gym way too much and make sure you stare in the mirror, flexing between sets. Work with at least two of your other douchebag-in-training friends and make loud noises when you lift, then drop the weights on the floor. Work only your upper body and consider taking steroids, so in the end your arms are bigger than your legs. Fake tan yourself.

3. Clothes – Any form of tracksuit will do as long as there are some stripes along the leg and arm sections. When not wearing this, wear a popped collar shirt or a t-shirt that is four sizes too small to show off your bigger-than-legs arms. Ed Hardy will be your t-shirt brand of choice. Wear a large, flat brimmed baseball cap at any position other than 6 and 12 O’clock, with optional up-tilt.

4. Drink – You will likely alternate between beer and pre-mix vodkas, especially Smirnoff Blacks with red cordial added, though it doesn’t really matter as long as you get completely wasted every time you drink and try to fight people.

5. Act – Always assert your toughness and your unrivalled coolness. Get numerous tattoos, especially Chinese characters and big islander patterns. Take off your t-shirt in situations that don’t call for it. If another guy even looks at your girl, get all up in his face – the aim is to get your chest muscles to touch his nose. At the club, go to the men’s room with your tough douche friends and try to talk to guys when they’re at the urinal. Always let people know about all of your achievements like how much you drank, how much you lift, and how hot the girl was that you roofied on the weekend.

We're cool, yo