i ate a whole dog

A quick rant about handshake etiquette

// JRad // September 1st, 2011 // No Comments » // Angry Rants, Jrad's Blog

Have you ever met someone for the first time and shook their hand, as is the polite thing to do in our wonderful society, only to have your own hand (or metacarpus and phalanges to the science geeks out there) squeezed into a mess of what I can only imagine is sharded bone and bruised tissue?

I have.

After much thought, I’ve compiled a list of the type of people who grip people’s hands much too hard when customarily greeting them. These people are:

Farmers
Tradies
Douchebags

Farmers and tradies I may be able to understand – they work with their hands and usually need to have a good strong grip on their tools (yes this does also beg the question of the relative grip strength of “women of the night”). That said, they need to realise that when they meet someone, they are to treat the person not as a hammer, axe or sickle (or whatever it is farmers cut their wheat fields with these days), but as a living being made out skin, flesh and bone which can actually break.

Now the third type of person who feels the need to grip your hand like they’re dangling from a boat over crocodile infested water, is the common douchebag. So my theory is this. Any guy (who is not a farmer or tradie, though either of these two may also fall into the third category) who always feels the need to squeeze your hand so hard it hurts, is either:

a) complety socially retarded; or
b) a pathetic loser who is trying to make up for a deep-seated, subconscious lack of confidence and feeling of worthlessness as a human being.

Harsh? Not at all. These are the guys who need to out-alpha other guys just for the sake of validating their own existence. They have to act tough and may in fact believe they are “tough”. Unfortunately to others (who have any insight into human behaviour or psychology) they are fooling only themselves. We see you, douchebag, for who you are. You may assert your “dominance”, but listen here – people who have nothing to prove act exactly that way (ie normally).

So in conclusion, my dear faithful reader of this here blog, if you know or even come across someone who has no idea about the socially (and humanely) acceptable level of handshake grip, please inform them of their ways. And if they happen to respond with a polite “thank you stranger for pointing out my obvious-to-everyone-else-but-myself-bad-social-etiquette, please explain to me the correct pressure that I should clasp your friendly extended hand with”, respond to this person “why just a little bit firmer than that with which you would hold your own John Thomas”. Thank you.

Two sports which are but a thorn in my flesh

// JRad // June 19th, 2011 // No Comments » // Angry Rants, Jrad's Blog

A friend of mine once posted a question on her facebook update “can someone please explain to me the rivalry between Manchester Utd, Chelsea, Arsenal and Liverpool so I can finally keep up”. My response was as follows “The more important question is who gives a sh*t except for the pasty faced pommy gits who just need another excuse to get drunk and glass each other on the weekend over what is essentially a boring sport dominated by a bunch of theatrical queens clutching at their shins and crying for mummy? :p”.

Similarly a mate from Perth once asked me what is the difference between rugby league and rugby union aside from league players being rapists. Well that my friend, I replied, is of course the major difference, but also being that union players are actually well educated, well spoken and have professions in the off season. League players simply get drunk and violate drunk girls in pub toilets and hotel rooms. Oh also union has line-outs, rucks and mauls, and proper scrums.

The point being, soccer (I refuse to call it football, given I am Australian and live in Australia) and rugby league are two sports I highly dislike. I will stress that this opinion applies to the professional levels only – the ones that are televised, the ones that I have to listen about in the news or by co-workers ruining my morning coffee with discussion of the weekend matches. So with that in mind, I present to you the following informative and factual matrix on the major components of professional soccer and rugby league:

Now, my dear friends who are soccer and rugby league fans, please do not take this to heart, I clearly love you despite your choice in sports fan-ship. If you’ve been a follower of this blog, you will know that it is a place to rant, vent, generalise, satirise and stir the pot. And also post funny videos.

Political Correctness

// JRad // May 30th, 2011 // No Comments » // Angry Rants, Jrad's Blog

It’s no secret that we here at IAAWD can not stand political correctness.

In the news the other day, I read an article about a new website which offers flight price comparisons (like that of Webjet). Its server crashed on the first day, and while it was down, their website displayed a cartoon of a crashed plane and a comment about their site crashing. Funny, or at least amusing and light-hearted. But, as is the way in today’s world, a few whinging, whining losers with nothing else going on in their pathetic lives decided the picture was insensitive and offended them, and complained. Oh how I wish I had been the PR manager of the flight comparison company and able to respond. Unfortunately, the spokesperson profusely apologised and took the cartoon picture down. Here is the article.

Now what really irks me more than the fact that people complained about this website picture, is the fact that the company validated their overreactive and pathetic complaints by issuing an apology and removing it. That is truly pathetic. Why do companies / government continually let the vocal minority of complaining douches encroach on the rights of the majority of normal people who don’t feel the need to censor every bloody thing out there? Before I lost all faith in humanity, I was happy to at least read in the comments section on the above news article that many other people also wish the PC complainers would simply harden the fuck up.

To end this article, I am going to provide a few definitions of “Political Correctness” taken from various sources:

- A method of controlling and dictating public speech and thought.

- A doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.

- A form of censorship practiced by faggots and leftist subversive fucks so they don’t have to hear any points of view that they don’t agree with.

and lastly, this point:

The struggle to be “politically correct” has made common people easily irritable and oversensitive to the words of others and their own words. It has created a society that walks on eggshells and that has difficulty being personal with each other because coworkers and potential friends can’t joke around for fear of offending the other.

A quick note (rant) about customer service

// JRad // May 29th, 2011 // No Comments » // Angry Rants, Jrad's Blog

Have you ever been standing at a take-away place looking up at the menu and the person behind the counter starts shouting out to you “Can I help you?” or “What can I get you?”. This is a pet hate of mine. Is it not blatantly obvious that if I’m staring intently up at the menu then I am not ready to order? When people start calling out to me before I even get the chance to read the menu and ponder what food to order, I usually will just ignore them. And to pre-emptively stop it, I even stand far back from the counter. Once though, it just got too much as this counter girl simply wouldn’t get the hint from my lack of acknowledgment that I wasn’t ready to order, so I looked down at her and said in a not so polite way, “just wait”. And although I usually don’t like to be outright rude to people, I felt she certainly deserved it and I hope that she perhaps learnt to read customers a little better. Now if only everyone else out there could do the same. Or maybe I could have some more tolerance… mmm no, they can learn.

Travel Fails

// JRad // May 22nd, 2011 // No Comments » // Angry Rants, Jrad's Blog

After just returning from a trip to Thailand, I feel the need to express my undeniable opinion on people who, in my eyes, fail at travelling. Now I will admit, some of aforementioned opinion is formed through the slightly ‘warped’ and judgmental screen of which I observe the world, but please be assured, the truth of which I speak transcends that of the mere mortal and I implore you to read and learn.

Here are some of the travel fails I bore witness to on the trip:

Being a drunk Aussie: My most hated traveller. The idiots who give other Australians a bad name. They usually get drunk on the flight over, annoying everyone with in a 10 seat radius. They are always loud, drunk and making a scene. They are usually very ocker. When on the odd occassion they are not drunk, they are still just as loud and annoying. Fail (at travelling AND at life).

Travelling with kids (to places that aren’t that family friendly): Families and/or kids walking down Bangla St (by night a club, go-go bar, lady-boy and hooker plagued party street) at Patong Beach. Fail.

Westerners eating western food: Wow. Half the reason I love Thailand so much is purely for its food. Besides my morning fruit-filled pancakes, I did not eat one Western meal in Thailand nor did I ever feel the desire to. The local food is so delicious and cheap, yet I saw so many unoriginal, pale-faced gits ordering things like steak and chips, bowls of pasta, and burgers. And on one occasion I heard one young British chap piping up about how tough his steak was. You’re in Thailand douchefag. Fail.

Going to Aussie bars: This applies I guess mostly to Aussie travellers. Wyabar, my trusty travelling companion and I flatly refused to enter any such establishment whilst in Thailand. There were at least three Aussie bars in Patong which we walked past. They all advertised NRL (I will discuss my hate of the NRL in another rant at another time) and AFL games, among other Aussie things. There were heaps of Aussies that I could see in these bars. Fail.

Being a sex tourist: Pretty self explanatory – old fat European men, young nerds, and other desperate guys who can’t pull in Thailand or their own country, walking around with one to two Thai girls in hand. Fail.

Being ignorant of the culture: Examples include not learning a few basics of the language such as hello and thank you; being rude; being disrespectful; and not trying new things. Fail.

Being a Scooter: You may have read the earlier IAAWD post about how to become a douchebag. Well the ‘Scooter’, as wisely named by Wyabar, is a sub genre of the Common Western Douchebag (CWD). While the Scooter shares many attributes of the CWD, the defining feature of every Scooter is the oversized baseball cap, worn on an angle. Many Scooters will also wear a singlet. Every time we saw a Scooter out at a bar (and believe me, there were many) we would scream out SCOOTER! A Scooter will always act like a dickhead or a homosexual with his Scooter friends. The mere sight of a Scooter is enough to make any self-respecting person shake his or her head in shame. Here is a picture of a couple of Scooters I snapped on my last night out in Patong:

Fail

Greatest fail text I’ve ever received from a girl

// JRad // April 20th, 2011 // 1 Comment » // Angry Rants, Jrad's Blog

Listen up all you single gen Y girls out there.

Last Thursday I went on a date with a seemingly nice girl. It was a first date, in which I will always opt for something casual, so we headed to a relaxed bar on the harbour after work. We shouted each other alternate rounds of drinks, and I also got us a couple of pizzas. I came away thinking she was a pretty cool chick so I subsequently sent her a text on Saturday, telling her I had a good time and hoped we could do it again sometime. To my astonishment, this was her response:

Hey there, just for the next time u ask a girl out, regardless of the expense it would make her feel really special if you paid. Hope you have a good weekend!

After the initial reaction of almost falling off my chair, a flurry of possible responses ran through my head:

- I’m sorry, I didn’t realise our date was in 1955.
- Just for next time you go out with a guy, it would make him feel really special if you slept with him.
- Oh, you are one of those Sydney north shore girls.
- Probably not a good time to tell you I ‘borrowed’ a $20 from your purse while you were in the bathroom.
- You should run a call girl service.
- So that’s why you’re single.

In the end, I simply couldn’t bring myself to respond to such nonsense. And the nerve to wish me a pleasant weekend after such a preposterous preamble. Well I never!

Here’s the thing, while I’m not against paying for a date, I usually prefer to do so when I actually know and like the girl. I think it’s wrong to invest too much in a girl until she has proven herself as worthwhile (of course this works both ways). And although you will find plenty of poor saps out there that insist on paying for everything in the hope of impressing the girl or getting laid, I usually equate that with some form of prostitution, whether it’s a physical or psychological reward offered by the girl.

So to all you high maintenance, money grubbing, self-indulging ladies out there who need to feel “special” through fiscal upkeep, I propose you kindly go fornicate with yourself or a likeminded friend and I will date some more down to earth girls. Good day to you.

And you may call me stingy and all sorts of other nasty names, but honestly in this day and age, unless the guy is dating a housewife, a student, or a homeless person, why should he pay? Double-dutch is the way to go, or at least a small gesture from the girl is always appreciated. And that my friends, is the word of Jrad.

Bourbon, I hear you say

// JRad // April 10th, 2011 // 1 Comment » // Jrad's Blog

Sometime ago a mate and I concocted one of the greatest words ever.

Chourbon

Why, what is this ridiculous word, you ask. Chourbon, my friend, is simply Cheap Bourbon. Think Old Crow, Woodstock, Twin Chief, and Crazy Horse bourbon. Or any other brand that you pick up for a bargain price. Back in the day if you paid $5 or under for a bourbon and coke, it was automatically classed as chourbon. Out at the bar these days, we’d probably have to up that to $6.

Since that wonderful night, many more bourbon portmanteaus have been devised and drunk by me and my bourbon swilling friends (all rhyme with bourbon):

Tourbon – Tasty bourbon (or expensive bourbon by virtue of expense correlating to taste)
Rourbon – Red bourbon (bourbon & coke & red cordial)
Dufroubon – Duty free bourbon
Citric Chourbon – Chourbon with muddled orange
Dr Chourbon – Dirty red cheap bourbon (ie chourbon with red cordial)

One mate, particularly enamoured with rourbon, still attempts to order these for me when we’re out at bars, asking the bartender for a rourbon, only to have a blank stare returned back at him. If only more people knew. So let’s all spread the word.

And please feel free to add to the list.

How to become a douchebag in five easy steps

// JRad // April 2nd, 2011 // 1 Comment » // How To, Jrad's Blog

Okay so there is a heap of information out there instructing guys how to become ‘cool’. But what if a cool guy wants to become a total douche? Where’s the how to on that hey? I’ll tell you where it is… It’s right here:

1. Hair – Make a line from the top of your ear, over your head, to your other ear. The hair in front of this line needs to be cut short. The hair behind the line needs to be kept a bit longer and gelled up to make it spiky, and also slightly mullety at the back. You may also add the rat’s tail option.

2. Physique – Work out in the gym way too much and make sure you stare in the mirror, flexing between sets. Work with at least two of your other douchebag-in-training friends and make loud noises when you lift, then drop the weights on the floor. Work only your upper body and consider taking steroids, so in the end your arms are bigger than your legs. Fake tan yourself.

3. Clothes – Any form of tracksuit will do as long as there are some stripes along the leg and arm sections. When not wearing this, wear a popped collar shirt or a t-shirt that is four sizes too small to show off your bigger-than-legs arms. Ed Hardy will be your t-shirt brand of choice. Wear a large, flat brimmed baseball cap at any position other than 6 and 12 O’clock, with optional up-tilt.

4. Drink – You will likely alternate between beer and pre-mix vodkas, especially Smirnoff Blacks with red cordial added, though it doesn’t really matter as long as you get completely wasted every time you drink and try to fight people.

5. Act – Always assert your toughness and your unrivalled coolness. Get numerous tattoos, especially Chinese characters and big islander patterns. Take off your t-shirt in situations that don’t call for it. If another guy even looks at your girl, get all up in his face – the aim is to get your chest muscles to touch his nose. At the club, go to the men’s room with your tough douche friends and try to talk to guys when they’re at the urinal. Always let people know about all of your achievements like how much you drank, how much you lift, and how hot the girl was that you roofied on the weekend.

We're cool, yo

Uncool guys who become cool

// JRad // March 27th, 2011 // No Comments » // Jrad's Blog

I’m talking about celebrities here. Have you noticed this trend: A has-been actor who although may have an old school fan following, holds little credibility with the modern discerning viewer, suddenly becomes cool amongst the younger crowd, literally re-igniting his fame and popularity?

Example 1: Cuck Norris. Known for his martial arts, epic beard, and role as Walker, Texas Ranger. In the mid 2000s, for some reason or other, an Internet phenomenon began and “Chuck Norris Facts” was born. To this day I am still hearing new Chuck Norris facts and I’m still getting a kick out of it.

When the boogeyman goes to sleep at night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris

Example 2: The Hoff. Famous for his roles in Knight Rider and Baywatch. Then as happened with Chuck Norris, there was a MASSIVE Internet sensation for “The Hoff”. Emails of photo-shopped images of him became the norm and everyone was celebrating The Hoff. I remember a party my sister hosted back around 2005 even had a “Hoff shrine”.

The Hoff Shrine

Example 3: James Van Der Beek. He played a girly, emotional douche in Dawson’s Creek. All credibility shot to shit in my eyes. He then helped to redeem himself in “Rules of Attraction” but he never really held his fame. Now however, in a recent spur of Internet awesomeness, he has reinvented himself as a cool, funny, awesome dude with a few short films on Funny or Die and the launching of his ridonculously funny site www.jamesvandermemes.com. And now his latest role on Ke$ha’s video Blow, brings even more laughs. His ability to take the piss out of himself truly is his best trait.

So my only question is, who will be the next come back sensation? Only time will tell.

How to look after a baby if you are unfortunate enough to be stuck with one

// JRad // March 18th, 2011 // No Comments » // How To, Jrad's Blog

Have you ever found yourself in a room alone with a baby?  Maybe it’s a family member’s newborn and you made the mistake of arranging a get together.  Maybe you’ve been asked to mind your friends’ kid while they escape to a safe, quiet haven.  In either case, I’m sure you experienced that natural feeling of intense and uncontrollable displeasure engulf your entire being, just as I feel whenever I’m in the company of an infant, or even see one on the street.

For this reason I have developed the following advice for you when faced with one of these distressing situations:

First off, prevention is better than a cure.  So if you are asked to mind a baby, respond with one of the following foolproof statements:

-       The court told me I’m not allowed to be left alone with children.
-       Sure, I need to practice my football skills anyway.
-       Only if the soft part of its head will keep my bourbon can upright.
-       Okay but do I need to save some for you? I’m pretty hungry.

Ideal clothing for a baby

If for some reason you are ambushed and don’t have the chance to use the above, here is a list of possible scenarios you may be faced with and what you can do to fix them:

If the baby is crying:
-       Place it in the sock drawer and close it.  The socks will absorb the noise and the dark enclosed drawer will make the baby think it’s back inside the womb and calm it, sending it into a blissful sleep.
-       Gaffa tape its mouth shut.  Gaffa tape is better than duct tape as it can be removed cleanly due to its synthetic rubber adhesive, leaving little trace of it on the baby.
-       Learn from that British nanny’s mistake – put the baby in a neck brace before shaking it.

If the baby is hungry:
-        As we all know, when you are hungry you want to eat as fast as possible to satisfy your urge.  So what you need to do is make a mini ‘beer bong’ with a plastic kitchen funnel and a piece of clean garden hose to help the baby consume the milk in a quick and easy way.  You can even use some of that handy gaffa tape to make the milk bong.

If the baby smells:
-       Spray some air freshener on it.  If you can, use this in conjunction with some sort of deodoriser such as Febreeze.  You can even tie one of those pine tree car air fresheners around its neck.
-       Put it in the yard and hose it off like Harvey Keitel does to John Travolta and Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction.

If the baby won’t go to sleep, or if it wakes up:
-       Crush up some night-time cold and flu tablets and mix it into some milk. Then use the milk bong to deliver a quick, tasty and relaxing treat.  Within minutes the youngster will be ready for the sock drawer again.

If the baby vomits:
-       Get the neighbour’s dog to lick it up.  Kids like dogs.  Dogs like vomit. You like clean floors.  Win-win. Win.
-       Hose off the baby using the aforementioned Pulp Fiction method.
-       Halve the amount you’re pouring into the milk bong next time.

If the baby needs burping:
-       What’s the easiest way to make yourself burp? Drink Coke. The tiny little bubbles will help to push up the larger air pockets in the baby’s stomach, thus expelling the excess gas all the while giving the baby a tasty drink.

Basically folks what it boils down to is good old common sense.  Stay tuned for more parenting tips soon.