Just two formerly nice dudes, ranting about anything
// JRad // June 24th, 2011 // No Comments » // Random Awesomeness
A woman comes home and finds her husband in bed with a female midget. Furious, she screams, “you promised you wouldn’t cheat again!” The husband replies, “for f*ck sakes, can’t you see I’m trying to cut down!”
bam
// JRad // December 16th, 2009 // No Comments » // Random Awesomeness, Uncategorized
One of the wittiest dudes I know, Mr Joel T.I., had a very amusing pondering some time ago which I believe should be put out there for all to consider:
“Imagine if you had a canary yellow v-dub painted like pacman and you drove around in the middle of the road over the white dots while you leant out the window and screamed “NUM NUM NUM NUM”. Also your steering wheel would be a joystick and your seat would be vinyl. Plus it would cost 20 cents everytime you wanted to drive somewhere.
Sweet.”
Sweet indeed…
// JRad // December 10th, 2009 // 1 Comment » // Random Awesomeness, Uncategorized
A good mate of mine was recently in the gym when he came across a midget. Trying to subtley snap a pic of the little man on his blackberry, he made one rookie error – the flash, combined with the mirror at the gym. So much for stealth photography…
Also, read a hilarious separate article about Midgets and Bigjets on his blog.
// JRad // October 11th, 2009 // 4 Comments » // Blogs, Jrad's Blog, Random Awesomeness
No I’m not talking about lime Bacardi Breezers. I’m talking about the real stuff. The drinks that put a cringe on your face, stars in your eyes, fire in your stomach, and insanity into your head.
Agwa and Absinthe. Two of my favourite spirits out there, these sexy and herbalicious drinks can be served up as shots, mixed into splendid cocktails or combined with an energy drink to get you completely wired and out of control…
Agwa
Claimed to be the world’s first “psycho-active” spirit drink, this magical, light green nectar is made from distilled Bolivian coca leaves, and has the added zap of guarana and ginseng. Talk about a winning combination.
Agwa is ideally consumed as the “Bolivian Kiss”. Even the label on the bottle instructs “respect the Bolivian Kiss”. How is this done you ask? Easy. Squeeze a wedge of lime into a shot of Agwa. Bite a second wedge of lime, then shoot the Agwa. The lime plays an important part of Agwa’s effect on the mind and body:
Biting the lime first works in the same way as the South American practice of chewing Coca leaves with limes. The lime changes the PH of the mouth, which activates the alkaloids in the leaf to produce a powerful oxygen buzz.
Coca leaf alkaloids work by speeding up the rate of absorption of oxygen into the body’s capillary system. It is a natural ‘rush’ and naturally controversial. Source: www.agwa.com.au
Now I have had many a night out, after much agwa and lime consumption, and I can attest, that this drink 1) makes you happy and 2) sends you crazy. There are no negative effects that I am aware of.
Absinthe
Ah old faithful. What sort of a world would we live in without this mysterious, alluring and misunderstood spirit? A very sad one I would bet. “The Green Fairy” is said to give a lucid intoxication and disconnectedness from the body. These effects are supposedly brought on by the combination of herbs and/or wormwood it contains. Absinthe has a controversial past plagued with myth and lies which saw it banned in most countries during a period of the 20th century. It has also been incorrectly labeled a hallucinogen. Thank God people have come to their senses and there has been a modern day revival of this wonderful drink. Absinthe connoisseurs are knows as absintheurs and even Marilyn Manson has brought out his own absinthe label – Mansinthe.
Abinthe is traditionally prepared by pouring cold water over a sugar cube, which rests on an absinthe spoon, over a glass containing a shot of the absinthe. The water turns it a cloudy colour known as the louche. A popular variation of this is to light an absinthe doused sugar cube on fire and to drop it into the drink.
I was first introduced to the A-Bomb when I was traveling through the Czech Republic many years ago. Just like a Jager-bomb, one drops a shot of absinthe into a glass of redbull and necks it. Very good stuff. Only a few weeks ago, the iaawd crew decided to indulge in a cheeky absinthe before heading out on the town. We mixed a large amount of absinthe into some Monster energy drink, forming what we now refer to as “the Memory Destroyer”. I recommend to enjoy this drink but proceed with caution. Apologies had to be made the following day as we tried to recount the night and justify our behaviour.
Bottoms up.
// Jimmy // September 14th, 2009 // 1 Comment » // Jimmy's Blog, Random Awesomeness
Humanity is pretty dumb. It is beyond me why anyone would subject themselves to a whole bunch of pain just for shits and giggles, or maybe some respect. It’s undeniably a downright stupid thing to do, something only a complete idiot would consider for a lazy Sunday afternoon because they had nothing else to do.
Nevertheless, I was still going to do it. I knew it was retarded, but I had be raving on about this thing for so long that if I didn’t back up, I’d just be a little bitch. I always had this idea that when I finally got to chowing down on the World’s Hottest Burger, we would make a day of it, have a whole crowd there with a few contestants, one or two designated drivers and maybe some cheerleaders. With pompoms. Alas this was not the case. Instead it was only your two idiodic IIAWD contributors, James and Jarad, who set out for the Off The Wall Diner at Wellington Point.
On a side note, holy shit Wellington Point is a long way away. I think there is a direct relationship between distance from Brisbane and level of insanity and or boganness, so bring your yobbo shield.
I honestly believe that anybody attempting atrocity thing should definitely not be driving home. Get yourself a DD, like Jarad. This also meant Jarad would not be completing the challenge. His idea was to wait for me to give up, then have a bit just to see what it was like. Even more reason for me to finish.
The place looks innocent enough, when we finally find it, except for the massive “World’s Hottest Burger” firey sign prompting fools from across the land to take up the challenge. We notice the infamous plaque on the wall with all first few hundred people who beat the burger. Looked like they have a good burger menu too, until Jarad’s came out on normal bread.
Jarad offering support
I informed them that I am not prone to heart attacks and am not in fact pregnant. They told me the rules, including no leftovers are allowed to be removed from the premises in case ir hurts or kills something and you have to down the whole burger, keep it down for five minutes and you <b>are not allowed to drink</b> during the challenge. That final rule made Jimmy a sad boy.
So the waiver was signed. It read something like “blah blah blah we are not responsible for any injury or death caused by this blah blah blah”. Everything else seems pretty meaningless next to the word death. I thought it was scare tactics and hype and it wouldn’t be all that bad…
Gloves were provided, in case you should end up getting the sauce on your hands and touching your eyes or your dick later on in the day. Then the wait began. I already had an audience of little kids who definitely did not share my belief that I am made of steel.
Out came the monster. Yeah, it was huge. I guess it makes it more of a challenge else you could just stuff it all down and not even worry about chewing. I guess they thought of that. There goes my plan. I dabbed the end of my finger into a drop of sauce, putting the tiniest amount onto my tongue. Cue the burn.
Oh fuck.
Monster Size
If the beef patty was alive and had arms and legs, it could have literally swum out of the burger with the amount of sauce in there. And here my mouth was burning from a tiny drop of sauce.
Chow down begins. It takes a good five seconds to register. You’re thinking oh wow this won’t be so bad, then BAM, it smacks you in the face like a stray fireball from a nearby volcano. But, I still thought it would be ok. After a while you’re thinking hell yeah I’ve been eating for a while. You look down and you’ve finished a quarter of the damn thing. It was about now that the staff brought out a bucket for use in the situation where your body decided it was too much and that the burger should go back out the hole it came in.
The quarter mark isn’t too bad. You can probably quit here and be satisfied. Like, you tried it and thought wow that’s a hot burger. But not if you, like me, had talked this thing up for ages. I had made no out-loud promises that I would finish it, but I had secretly convinced myself I would.
One quarter down, three to go
So then twenty minues later, it’s the halfway point. By now you would think the hotness would have become a dull burn after having destoryed all of my taste buds. Yet, every bite still scorched my entire mouth. And to add to that, my hands had begun to go numb. It’s not like the gloves were tight, so there were no circulation issues. Just numb for no reason. Maybe the chilli was starting to burn away my nerves.
Halfway - Starting To Hurt
The final half of the burger was just a continuation of the first half albeit much much slower. Every bite was still just as painful, and I was regularly coughing, spluttering and fighting my stomach periodically convulsing trying to squeeze the devil food back out my mouth. There were no smiles except maybe a nervous giggle here or there when Jarad cracked a funny.
The final bite of the burger would have been OK if the rules didn’t dictate that you had to wipe the plate clean. The amount of sauce covered lettuce and onion that had fallen off the burger was to be a whole other challenge. Let me make this clear, I hate brown onion. I hate it in small doses let alone the half a ton they had put on this burger. Downing that salad one piece of onion at a time had me almost throw up about fifteen times. Not fucking pleasant.
The Pain
Eventually the last piece of onion was downed and the five minute countdown begun. It also meant I was now allowed drink! That was probably the best slusie of my life.
At this point I probably would have stood up, thrust my closed fist into the air and yelled “VICTORY!” in true Johnny Drama fashion. That is of course if I my throat didn’t feel like I had eaten a bucket full of glass. Jarad filled out my name in the book and we were on our way.
Oh Yeah
But it doesn’t stop there.
I felt like shit for a good 24 hours after the event. Nothing in particular, just a general feeling like I had done something that my body did not like at all. Later in the evening after consuming the atrocity of a meal, we happened to be at the local footy game. I wasn’t turning down free tickets ust cause I felt a bit shit. Bad idea. By the end of it I couldn’t walk without support from rails and/or the girlfriend due to the most hardcore stomach cramps I have ever encountered. And then there was the pain at the other end of the digestive system. Not long after getting home from the burger place, I took a piss. Somehow sauce had got from my mouth to my hands and subsequently, my equipment. Also not very pleasant. A case of the chillipenis.
Other then that, it wasn’t too bad. There was one hell of painful crap the morning after and a mildy painful one later in the day, but I think I got off ok. I have heard of guys having to go home from work the day after even after only consuming a few mouthfulls. Either I’m tough as shit or I got lucky. I’m going with the latter.
This is one occasion when my life motto “I’ll try anything twice” definitely does not apply. It sits up there with placing my nuts on hot coals and pressing broken glass into my eyeballs.
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