i ate a whole dog

How to become a douchebag in five easy steps

// JRad // April 2nd, 2011 // How To, Jrad's Blog

Okay so there is a heap of information out there instructing guys how to become ‘cool’. But what if a cool guy wants to become a total douche? Where’s the how to on that hey? I’ll tell you where it is… It’s right here:

1. Hair – Make a line from the top of your ear, over your head, to your other ear. The hair in front of this line needs to be cut short. The hair behind the line needs to be kept a bit longer and gelled up to make it spiky, and also slightly mullety at the back. You may also add the rat’s tail option.

2. Physique – Work out in the gym way too much and make sure you stare in the mirror, flexing between sets. Work with at least two of your other douchebag-in-training friends and make loud noises when you lift, then drop the weights on the floor. Work only your upper body and consider taking steroids, so in the end your arms are bigger than your legs. Fake tan yourself.

3. Clothes – Any form of tracksuit will do as long as there are some stripes along the leg and arm sections. When not wearing this, wear a popped collar shirt or a t-shirt that is four sizes too small to show off your bigger-than-legs arms. Ed Hardy will be your t-shirt brand of choice. Wear a large, flat brimmed baseball cap at any position other than 6 and 12 O’clock, with optional up-tilt.

4. Drink – You will likely alternate between beer and pre-mix vodkas, especially Smirnoff Blacks with red cordial added, though it doesn’t really matter as long as you get completely wasted every time you drink and try to fight people.

5. Act – Always assert your toughness and your unrivalled coolness. Get numerous tattoos, especially Chinese characters and big islander patterns. Take off your t-shirt in situations that don’t call for it. If another guy even looks at your girl, get all up in his face – the aim is to get your chest muscles to touch his nose. At the club, go to the men’s room with your tough douche friends and try to talk to guys when they’re at the urinal. Always let people know about all of your achievements like how much you drank, how much you lift, and how hot the girl was that you roofied on the weekend.